I have known my best friend for over twenty years and we have been sharing an apartment for almost three. She is like a sister, and just like sisters we have our ups and downs.
She recently bought an adorable cat (Desmond) who is delightful. I, however, have not been thrilled with life in general lately, and have been using Desmond as a scapegoat for my malaise. I have been closing myself off and acting as a recluse and claiming that it was because of the smell of the cat. Realistically though, poor Des had very little to do with it.
So, this week’s coaching assignment gave me a perfect opportunity to have a difficult conversation with my roommate about our relationship and about my state of mind. To be honest, she seemed to do most of presencing (because she is a saint) but I got to at least be a part of a successful dialogue. I initiated the conversation to talk about the smell of the cat, which neither of my other roommates found problematic.
My goal during the conversation was to avoid Field I. I am not really a Field II kind of gal, but when I am uncomfortable I revert to politeness, which makes sense. There is comfort in rules and conventions. So when she asked what she could do to help, instead to taking it all on myself and saying she was fine, I was honest. Without getting into the details of our friendship, we agreed that neither one of us was communicating enough about what we needed at any given moment (specifically when we need quiet, focused work time, when we needed alone time, and when we were looking to chat and have fun). I admitted that instead of saying what I need, it’s easier to just make myself busy and hide. She admitted that when she is stressed about work and needs focused work time, she can be a little passive aggressive.
I did have to practice suspension a little bit in this conversation because for weeks now I have been convincing myself that health issues and the cat were the reasons I shut myself off. When she suggested otherwise, I could have easily been defensive and stuck to my guns, shifting the blame to two specific things, both of which are outside my locus of control. Instead though, I asked her to tell me what she was seeing in my behavior. What was I doing to suggest that something else might be the problem? When she shared these things, I told her that those were good examples and that she may be right. Likewise, I explained to her that her behavior comes across to me a certain way that she might not be able to see. She admitted that she was able to see her behavior coming across that way, but hearing me announce that it was affecting me made her feel badly and moved her to change her actions. We both suggest ways that we could help the other person and ways that we can proactively improve our own situations.
The readings continuously reference silence, and there were certainly some extended silences in our conversation. The longest one spanning (I would estimate) a full minute or more. To be honest, I don’t think I spent those silences well. I spent them trying to think of the next thing to say instead of meditating on those that had already been said.
At the end of the ordeal, despite the tears and the guilt over our recent lack of communication, we both felt better about where we were. I think that the act of suspending was important. It’s easy to get defensive when a person is talking about your state of mind and your happiness. Likewise, I think it’s important that both she and I avoided field I and REALLY said what we were thinking, even knowing that it may be hard for the best friend across the table to hear.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Week 8 - Coachee Assignment Pt 1 (Musings from my back porch)
So after 15 minutes on my back porch in the cold wind, I came to some conclusions about my “self.” Who am I? I am a young, thoughtful woman (who in many ways still sees herself as a girl) who aims to make people happy above all else. I see my own happiness eternally linked to the happiness I can give to others. Simultaneous though, I love and trust and know myself. I can be happy with/by myself as long as I know I am doing what is best for me. Lately, I have spent a lot of time on my own walking, reading, running, or just sitting. I spend most of this time planning things I can do that will improve my life or the lives of those around me (i.e. cool projects for my students, fundraisers for my rugby team, to-do lists for myself, etc.).
I take the role of caretaker very seriously. That is what draws me to teaching and what draws a lot of my friends to me. My empathy gives me access to the highest version of myself, but it can also be a weakness, or so I am told. I have, over time, come to accept the weakness that comes with it. I can cope with it and all it’s drawbacks as long as it grants me access to the self that I love – the self that makes others happy and loves me.
This person wishes to work for social justice, but often is caught up in the world of those around her, losing track of all the people I don’t know yet whom I may be able to help. I do see my purpose as helping others and finding pleasure and fulfillment in doing so. I face a lot of criticism about this, and I have tried to absorb it. People often tell me that my happiness cannot be dependent on how I make others feel because, to an extent, that is beyond my control, and that doing so puts undue pressure on me. If my goal in life was not something difficult and trying though, I’m not sure it would be worth doing. I acknowledge that sometimes I am a slave to it; at times I let that alter my decision making, and my failures impact my happiness. But really, why shouldn’t I be upset if I make someone unhappy? Don’t I deserve an amount of blame if my actions negatively affect someone else? I take accountability for my actions, and my sense of accountability and respect for others is what drives me, and I think it makes me a better person.
I suppose I don’t want to see anything wrong with this way of life, so I often don’t let the criticism sink in. I am aware of it, and I can repeat it back to you, but I haven’t let it let it affect my actions. It hasn’t made me stop doing what I’m doing. I suppose I just don’t see why anyone would not expend energy making others happy. I know there needs to be a balance – I can’t make someone happy at the expense of my own health or enjoyment, but if we don’t put others first, life seems all the more finite. You are one person, and if you only focus on pleasing yourself, you run out of pleasurable things. If you like chocolate and TV and books and running, you can do those things, but what happens when you’ve used them up for the day? You just do the same thing again tomorrow? Maybe the search for new things that make us happy is drive enough to get someone through life, but I think it’s more challenging and rewarding to search for what makes other people happy. If I make my mom happy, I’ve achieved something. If I make myself happy, I have just given into an impulse that I already knew about. There’s very little challenge. You try something. If you like it, you win. If you don’t, start over. It seems so small. Making other people happy is so much bigger, so infinite, and so challenging.
Obviously my reasons for helping are selfish – I like the way I feel when I’ve made someone else happy. But that doesn’t make those people any less happy, right? So don’t we all win?
I take the role of caretaker very seriously. That is what draws me to teaching and what draws a lot of my friends to me. My empathy gives me access to the highest version of myself, but it can also be a weakness, or so I am told. I have, over time, come to accept the weakness that comes with it. I can cope with it and all it’s drawbacks as long as it grants me access to the self that I love – the self that makes others happy and loves me.
This person wishes to work for social justice, but often is caught up in the world of those around her, losing track of all the people I don’t know yet whom I may be able to help. I do see my purpose as helping others and finding pleasure and fulfillment in doing so. I face a lot of criticism about this, and I have tried to absorb it. People often tell me that my happiness cannot be dependent on how I make others feel because, to an extent, that is beyond my control, and that doing so puts undue pressure on me. If my goal in life was not something difficult and trying though, I’m not sure it would be worth doing. I acknowledge that sometimes I am a slave to it; at times I let that alter my decision making, and my failures impact my happiness. But really, why shouldn’t I be upset if I make someone unhappy? Don’t I deserve an amount of blame if my actions negatively affect someone else? I take accountability for my actions, and my sense of accountability and respect for others is what drives me, and I think it makes me a better person.
I suppose I don’t want to see anything wrong with this way of life, so I often don’t let the criticism sink in. I am aware of it, and I can repeat it back to you, but I haven’t let it let it affect my actions. It hasn’t made me stop doing what I’m doing. I suppose I just don’t see why anyone would not expend energy making others happy. I know there needs to be a balance – I can’t make someone happy at the expense of my own health or enjoyment, but if we don’t put others first, life seems all the more finite. You are one person, and if you only focus on pleasing yourself, you run out of pleasurable things. If you like chocolate and TV and books and running, you can do those things, but what happens when you’ve used them up for the day? You just do the same thing again tomorrow? Maybe the search for new things that make us happy is drive enough to get someone through life, but I think it’s more challenging and rewarding to search for what makes other people happy. If I make my mom happy, I’ve achieved something. If I make myself happy, I have just given into an impulse that I already knew about. There’s very little challenge. You try something. If you like it, you win. If you don’t, start over. It seems so small. Making other people happy is so much bigger, so infinite, and so challenging.
Obviously my reasons for helping are selfish – I like the way I feel when I’ve made someone else happy. But that doesn’t make those people any less happy, right? So don’t we all win?
Week 8 - Coach
So I started this week’s coaching session asking my coachee about his 15 minutes in nature. For him, it was a bit unnatural (ironically enough) because he is so used to spending time in nature in less contrived ways. He hikes and camps and isn’t used to being in his backyard and calling it “nature.” He found the noises and bustle of civilization a bit distracting, but he was still able to find some value in his quiet time.
Through his meditation, my coachee aimed to be open to himself and to solidify an understanding of who he is. That is, however, something that he does pretty regularly and naturally, so the tough part is and will be actualizing that vision. How can he get to be this best version of himself? One key we talked about was making sure to take time to think about this best version as often as possible. The more it is in mind, the more likely we are to act on those hopes and impulses.
The “self” that he was thinking about is a person who needs to help. Since he was a little kid, my coachee always felt a yearning to do so. He asked an interesting question though, which I thought of during my own meditation: If enough people feel that same helping impulse, there must be a reason. There must be something about helping others and making others happy that is universal and necessary. I suggested that maybe it has to do with needed to connect. We also agreed though that it is largely selfish. Helping feels good, so we like to do it. He finds, however, that as he gets older he finds it harder to make others happy. I suggested that problems are simpler and PEOPLE are simpler when they’re young, so it makes sense that it’s easy to help and sooth at that point. My coachee thought that it might have to do with standards of happiness – both his own standards and the standards of others.
Finally, we talked about whether or not we always need to be happy. Is there value to feeling badly? I think that unhappiness is needed to connect us to each other. Maybe life stagnates if we’re always happy. If we need to help others in order to be happy, we need others to be unhappy sometimes, and they in turn need us to be unhappy sometimes too. Marc used a metaphor of a pendulum – we can swing back and forth or sit plainly in the middle. If we put too much pressure on ourselves to ALWAYS be happy, we are guaranteed to fail, and in doing so we’ll feel worse. The pendulum can’t stay at a peak. So while working to make yourself and others happy is noble and innately human, the key is reflecting on our feelings and how we make others feel instead of putting too much pressure and emphasis on happiness as a constant.
In the second part of our chat, we discussed his efforts at presensing in a meeting at work. He said that he kind of came upon presencing by accident, but it was very successful!
The issue at hand had to deal with money that was in my coachee’s name and was stolen from work. He was hoping that everyone in the department would chip in so he wouldn’t have to shoulder the burden of the entire stolen sum. What was really great about the way he talked about this is that he kept saying his “old self” would have dealt with it the wrong way – he wouldn’t have said anything and would have let himself become bitter and resentful of his co-workers who didn’t have to help pay. This week, however, the NEW self brought it up with staff members. One of them, a friend of his (Tim), was mad and had a “how dare you ask?” kind of response. My coachee’s response was that he would help if roles were reversed.
Once my coachee had time to explain himself and what he was suggesting (not demanding), people started to come around. Tim explained that he thought earlier that my coachee was going to demand money and that the theft was my coachee’s responsibility. These are just some of the reasons that money is always an awkward subject, and all the more reason that my coachee should be praised by taking on such a difficult topic for his first attempt at presencing.
What I’ve noticed over my conversations about this workplace is that they are moving in the right direction and my coachee’s strategies seem to be helping in that shift. This particular event, despite its uncomfortable nature, brought the whole group together. They all lost $200 that was supposed to go to something they all cared about, so the experience was shared. Even within that though, people had different perceptions of how coachee’s request came across, of what was expected, of what transpired, etc. So to clarify, my coachee made and effort to be open and honest and to suspend his judgements about how the situation should be handled. He admitted that if he (“old self”) didn’t ask for the money he would have been bitter about it, and he didn’t want to be in that position. In admitting this, he explained his position without saying “You should give me money because…” And the group responded to the honesty and vulnerability. At first there was silence as people thought about how this affected them and how they contributed, etc. But then, an aspiring therapist stepped up and facilitated a discussion which ended with an agreement that everyone would help pay back the program and that some new procedures would go into place to prevent the same problem from happening in the future. In that sense, the final part of the discussion was driven by the future that has yet to unfold…kind of?
I am really proud of how honest my coachee was willing to be about his own faults, his own interests, his self-perceptions, and his expectations of himself and others. As a result of all those things, the group became closer, listened to one another, and set themselves up for future success.
Through his meditation, my coachee aimed to be open to himself and to solidify an understanding of who he is. That is, however, something that he does pretty regularly and naturally, so the tough part is and will be actualizing that vision. How can he get to be this best version of himself? One key we talked about was making sure to take time to think about this best version as often as possible. The more it is in mind, the more likely we are to act on those hopes and impulses.
The “self” that he was thinking about is a person who needs to help. Since he was a little kid, my coachee always felt a yearning to do so. He asked an interesting question though, which I thought of during my own meditation: If enough people feel that same helping impulse, there must be a reason. There must be something about helping others and making others happy that is universal and necessary. I suggested that maybe it has to do with needed to connect. We also agreed though that it is largely selfish. Helping feels good, so we like to do it. He finds, however, that as he gets older he finds it harder to make others happy. I suggested that problems are simpler and PEOPLE are simpler when they’re young, so it makes sense that it’s easy to help and sooth at that point. My coachee thought that it might have to do with standards of happiness – both his own standards and the standards of others.
Finally, we talked about whether or not we always need to be happy. Is there value to feeling badly? I think that unhappiness is needed to connect us to each other. Maybe life stagnates if we’re always happy. If we need to help others in order to be happy, we need others to be unhappy sometimes, and they in turn need us to be unhappy sometimes too. Marc used a metaphor of a pendulum – we can swing back and forth or sit plainly in the middle. If we put too much pressure on ourselves to ALWAYS be happy, we are guaranteed to fail, and in doing so we’ll feel worse. The pendulum can’t stay at a peak. So while working to make yourself and others happy is noble and innately human, the key is reflecting on our feelings and how we make others feel instead of putting too much pressure and emphasis on happiness as a constant.
In the second part of our chat, we discussed his efforts at presensing in a meeting at work. He said that he kind of came upon presencing by accident, but it was very successful!
The issue at hand had to deal with money that was in my coachee’s name and was stolen from work. He was hoping that everyone in the department would chip in so he wouldn’t have to shoulder the burden of the entire stolen sum. What was really great about the way he talked about this is that he kept saying his “old self” would have dealt with it the wrong way – he wouldn’t have said anything and would have let himself become bitter and resentful of his co-workers who didn’t have to help pay. This week, however, the NEW self brought it up with staff members. One of them, a friend of his (Tim), was mad and had a “how dare you ask?” kind of response. My coachee’s response was that he would help if roles were reversed.
Once my coachee had time to explain himself and what he was suggesting (not demanding), people started to come around. Tim explained that he thought earlier that my coachee was going to demand money and that the theft was my coachee’s responsibility. These are just some of the reasons that money is always an awkward subject, and all the more reason that my coachee should be praised by taking on such a difficult topic for his first attempt at presencing.
What I’ve noticed over my conversations about this workplace is that they are moving in the right direction and my coachee’s strategies seem to be helping in that shift. This particular event, despite its uncomfortable nature, brought the whole group together. They all lost $200 that was supposed to go to something they all cared about, so the experience was shared. Even within that though, people had different perceptions of how coachee’s request came across, of what was expected, of what transpired, etc. So to clarify, my coachee made and effort to be open and honest and to suspend his judgements about how the situation should be handled. He admitted that if he (“old self”) didn’t ask for the money he would have been bitter about it, and he didn’t want to be in that position. In admitting this, he explained his position without saying “You should give me money because…” And the group responded to the honesty and vulnerability. At first there was silence as people thought about how this affected them and how they contributed, etc. But then, an aspiring therapist stepped up and facilitated a discussion which ended with an agreement that everyone would help pay back the program and that some new procedures would go into place to prevent the same problem from happening in the future. In that sense, the final part of the discussion was driven by the future that has yet to unfold…kind of?
I am really proud of how honest my coachee was willing to be about his own faults, his own interests, his self-perceptions, and his expectations of himself and others. As a result of all those things, the group became closer, listened to one another, and set themselves up for future success.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Week 6 - Coach
My internet has been down all week, so thank goodness it’s spring break this week.
So in my last post,I gushed about how great my coach is, but my coachee is pretty amazing too. Thanks for being so honest, open, and thoughtful. I’m really enjoying coaching and being coached.
So I started by asking about my coachee’s attempts at suspension over the course of a normal day. He made an excellent point about how difficult it is to constantly be aware, to constantly be existing both within and outside yourself. Just as the readings on meditation suggested, focus and awareness are crucial, but far from easy. So, my coachee said that when he was aware and paying attention he nailed suspension, at least the inward part. He is such a thoughtful guy that I am not at all surprised that he finds it easy to watch himself objectively from the metaphorical director’s chair. When asked why outward was so much harder, he commented honestly that you make yourself vulnerable, and that’s kind of nerve-racking. That’s not to say he didn’t make a great attempt though:
In a staff meeting with a woman who does her job very differently than her superiors might want, my coachee confronted the issue from a suspended position. He asked repeatedly for clarification and elaboration on the points this woman was making in an attempt to really understand a position that is pretty different than his own. He said that he would explain to her that he didn’t understand, but that he knew there was value in what she was saying, and he wanted to understand better. Through this shared inquiry, he did gain a better understanding of her position, and of how her personal experiences lead her to this place.
I asked if he noticed any change in her behavior after this conversation, and the results were encouraging! My coachee said that, while her behavior didn’t entirely change, and she continued to do many things in an “old school” way that is not consistent with current ABA standards, he caught her informally checking in with her. Clearly, he said, she was more aware of her own actions and how they related and differed from what was expected. In short, she was putting in effort to change for the best of the program.
ABA is a funny field to attempt suspension in because it is so firmly based in statistical data and established, consistent patterns of reinforcement. So there’s not a lot of room for interpretation. That’s why I found this woman’s case so interesting. She was caring for these children in the way she thought was best – that doesn’t make it ABA though. Could ABA specialists learn something from her? Could she learn something from them? Could a new model of behavioral adjustment come out of a meeting of these minds?
My coachee is an interesting example of this. He claims he has two sides – the nurturer/attention giver who wants to behave like this woman he mentioned above and the scientist who analyzes data and figures out the most effective methods. By suspending and listening to both of these sides, he is able to be a really well rounded teacher for his clients.
I asked him if he learned anything specific from his conversation with this woman, or if he saw his behavior or perspective change as a result. He said that now he is more aware of what she’s doing and he knows now that what she’s doing as an act of love. He also is very forgiving of her because it makes sense that she is defensive about her tactics and practice – it’s easy to become defensive when you are coming from an emotional place.
My coachee also brought up some great points about the need for participants in a dialogue to understand the stakes. When the issue is high stakes, when finding a solution is a matter of “life or death,” you almost HAVE to suspend. There’s no room for stubbornness with there are big things on the line.
Finally, we reflected on his first assignment in which he created a safe and comfortable space for his staff to discuss and bring up any complaints or concerns about their workplace. In the most recent meeting, no one brought anything up. While it makes him feel like a successful supervisor to have a meeting without complaints, it is almost hard to believe. Had all the bitterness from the previous supervisor been vented at the last meeting? Were they all done being mad? I said that I think the creation of this safe, comfortable space is probably such a huge step forward that he shouldn’t worry about their lack of complaints. As long as he consistently reinforces that the space is there for them, people will be honest and express things when they have things to express. We also talked about how sometimes people recognize that their complaints are superficial when people are actually listening. When there’s no audience, you can say anything and rationalize it. It’s like singing in the shower. YOU think you sound good, but you know that you’re tone deaf as soon as there are other people in the room.
(I left out a lot of the great stuff that my coachee had to say, but I get the feeling that my blogs are too long, so I’m trying to be a little more selective.)
So in my last post,I gushed about how great my coach is, but my coachee is pretty amazing too. Thanks for being so honest, open, and thoughtful. I’m really enjoying coaching and being coached.
So I started by asking about my coachee’s attempts at suspension over the course of a normal day. He made an excellent point about how difficult it is to constantly be aware, to constantly be existing both within and outside yourself. Just as the readings on meditation suggested, focus and awareness are crucial, but far from easy. So, my coachee said that when he was aware and paying attention he nailed suspension, at least the inward part. He is such a thoughtful guy that I am not at all surprised that he finds it easy to watch himself objectively from the metaphorical director’s chair. When asked why outward was so much harder, he commented honestly that you make yourself vulnerable, and that’s kind of nerve-racking. That’s not to say he didn’t make a great attempt though:
In a staff meeting with a woman who does her job very differently than her superiors might want, my coachee confronted the issue from a suspended position. He asked repeatedly for clarification and elaboration on the points this woman was making in an attempt to really understand a position that is pretty different than his own. He said that he would explain to her that he didn’t understand, but that he knew there was value in what she was saying, and he wanted to understand better. Through this shared inquiry, he did gain a better understanding of her position, and of how her personal experiences lead her to this place.
I asked if he noticed any change in her behavior after this conversation, and the results were encouraging! My coachee said that, while her behavior didn’t entirely change, and she continued to do many things in an “old school” way that is not consistent with current ABA standards, he caught her informally checking in with her. Clearly, he said, she was more aware of her own actions and how they related and differed from what was expected. In short, she was putting in effort to change for the best of the program.
ABA is a funny field to attempt suspension in because it is so firmly based in statistical data and established, consistent patterns of reinforcement. So there’s not a lot of room for interpretation. That’s why I found this woman’s case so interesting. She was caring for these children in the way she thought was best – that doesn’t make it ABA though. Could ABA specialists learn something from her? Could she learn something from them? Could a new model of behavioral adjustment come out of a meeting of these minds?
My coachee is an interesting example of this. He claims he has two sides – the nurturer/attention giver who wants to behave like this woman he mentioned above and the scientist who analyzes data and figures out the most effective methods. By suspending and listening to both of these sides, he is able to be a really well rounded teacher for his clients.
I asked him if he learned anything specific from his conversation with this woman, or if he saw his behavior or perspective change as a result. He said that now he is more aware of what she’s doing and he knows now that what she’s doing as an act of love. He also is very forgiving of her because it makes sense that she is defensive about her tactics and practice – it’s easy to become defensive when you are coming from an emotional place.
My coachee also brought up some great points about the need for participants in a dialogue to understand the stakes. When the issue is high stakes, when finding a solution is a matter of “life or death,” you almost HAVE to suspend. There’s no room for stubbornness with there are big things on the line.
Finally, we reflected on his first assignment in which he created a safe and comfortable space for his staff to discuss and bring up any complaints or concerns about their workplace. In the most recent meeting, no one brought anything up. While it makes him feel like a successful supervisor to have a meeting without complaints, it is almost hard to believe. Had all the bitterness from the previous supervisor been vented at the last meeting? Were they all done being mad? I said that I think the creation of this safe, comfortable space is probably such a huge step forward that he shouldn’t worry about their lack of complaints. As long as he consistently reinforces that the space is there for them, people will be honest and express things when they have things to express. We also talked about how sometimes people recognize that their complaints are superficial when people are actually listening. When there’s no audience, you can say anything and rationalize it. It’s like singing in the shower. YOU think you sound good, but you know that you’re tone deaf as soon as there are other people in the room.
(I left out a lot of the great stuff that my coachee had to say, but I get the feeling that my blogs are too long, so I’m trying to be a little more selective.)
Monday, March 15, 2010
Week 6 - Coachee
I’ve got to say, and I’m not blowing smoke, I got SO lucky when I was assigned this coach. No only is he a professional therapist, but he is just so thoughtful and is clearly genuinely concerned with helping me improve as a person and really reflect on my experiences. So BIG thanks to my coach.
Anyway, I had grand plans to confront a difficult person and suspend both inwardly and outwardly this week. Unfortunately, as I admitted to my coach, once I was face to face with this woman all the plans went out the window. My coach reminded me that there is no time limit on this process and I can always try again another time.
When he asked me how I think the conversation would have gone, I kept repeating the phrase, “Who do you think you are?” That is what I think my attempts at suspension would have been met with. Not that I am SO young or SO inexperienced that I would deserve that kind of reprimand, but it is demonstrative of the way I am typically treated by this particular person and the rest of the group we are in together. Not only do I feel I am looked down upon in that way, but our group is also notorious for blame shifting. No one is ever accountable or takes any blame. When something goes well, they fight for the honor, and when it goes wrong, it’s always someone else. Don’t be TOO jealous of my work environment…
Then we talked about something that Olen brings up from time to time – different contexts call for different fields of dialogue. My coach explained that when he is talking to his wife, he is working in a different field than when he is talking to his brothers. Different audiences need to be read and understood. We can’t just assume that everyone is ready or fit for field III. That, I think, was my problem. I ambitiously planned to have a field III conversation with a person who is most effectively dealt with in field II. She does not take any criticism or change well and in fact lashes out when her authority is compromised.
Part of the problem that my coach mentioned was that there is no real supervisor or organizational structure to which I can report my discontents. There is no venue for an airing of grievances. In fact, there is not even any motivation for my team leader to do a good job because there is so little supervision. No one checks to see when she’s doing well and no one punishes her when she is abusing her teammates. The more I think about her, the more I believe that a dialogic leader is necessary for most productive dialogues.
Another problem that my coach drew out of me is that there is no interest within the team (or in the system) to change anything. People are so obsessed with finding the path of least resistance, the path that’s been worn down because it’s been tread on so much, that the thought of doing a better job is irrelevant. And even though I would like to see a lot of things change, my modus operandi is appeasement. I’ll do anything to make everyone happy and relaxed.
My coach asked why I think I do this, and all I can think of is that it’s what has been positively reinforced. It feels good to make others feel good, so that’s what I do. Unfortunately, on more than one occasion it has been to the detriment of my own well-being. In my team setting, it is definitely not a productive pattern. My coach encouraged me to focus on the inward part of suspension and keep asking, “Why I am appeasing everyone else right now? What am I trying to accomplish?” and to reframe those questions as a path to self improvement.
Like I said: Best coach ever. Thanks Faheem.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Week 5 - Coachee
The first thing I talked with my coach about tonight was whether or not what we did this week was really meditation. Having read about meditation and tried it a little in the past, I thought of this more as self-analysis and less as meditation. The assignments asked us to clear our minds and only focus on one thing (breathing, emotions, movement, and thoughts) which is reminiscent of meditation practices. However, I found it literally impossible to notice these things without analyzing them at the same time, which seems to defeat the purpose. To genuinely and authentically just think about what I was doing or thinking without trying to figure out why immediately was just not a possibility for me. I can’t read theory about meditation and then go out and do it without thinking back on a readings constantly and trying to apply them to the practice.
My coach seemed to have a nicer and less rigidly academic experience with the meditation assignments though. He appreciated the operational nature of the assignments. As he put it, it was nice to know that on Tuesday he was going to be aware of one thing, then on Wednesday, another, and so on. I liked this aspect of it too, and honestly enjoyed the assignments as a whole. I guess I just had a hard time stepping back and just watching myself.
One possible reason for this difficulty that we talked about at length is the fact that for the last 20 years I have either been a student or a teacher, without so much as a year off at any point. I have spent so much of my life learning to download, to repeat information that’s given to me, and to say what someone else wants to hear, that I have to some extent lost the ability to do much else within the framework of school. I expend so much effort trying to figure out what is right, than I can’t just “take it for what it is,” as my coach put it.
This class is asking us all to walk a like between downloading (the information from the books, meeting deadlines, posting according to rubrics, etc.) and “thinking outside the box”/living in the moment. The transition back and forth between those two ways of being is what I am starting to see as a struggle. I can do one or the other, but I have a hard time doing both. My coach recommended that I take some of the pressure to figure all of this stuff out off of myself, and instead find what relevance I can – be it in my community, in my family, or in other small settings. Seems like a reasonable place to start.
My coach seemed to have a nicer and less rigidly academic experience with the meditation assignments though. He appreciated the operational nature of the assignments. As he put it, it was nice to know that on Tuesday he was going to be aware of one thing, then on Wednesday, another, and so on. I liked this aspect of it too, and honestly enjoyed the assignments as a whole. I guess I just had a hard time stepping back and just watching myself.
One possible reason for this difficulty that we talked about at length is the fact that for the last 20 years I have either been a student or a teacher, without so much as a year off at any point. I have spent so much of my life learning to download, to repeat information that’s given to me, and to say what someone else wants to hear, that I have to some extent lost the ability to do much else within the framework of school. I expend so much effort trying to figure out what is right, than I can’t just “take it for what it is,” as my coach put it.
This class is asking us all to walk a like between downloading (the information from the books, meeting deadlines, posting according to rubrics, etc.) and “thinking outside the box”/living in the moment. The transition back and forth between those two ways of being is what I am starting to see as a struggle. I can do one or the other, but I have a hard time doing both. My coach recommended that I take some of the pressure to figure all of this stuff out off of myself, and instead find what relevance I can – be it in my community, in my family, or in other small settings. Seems like a reasonable place to start.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Week 5 - Meditation (Thoughts)
Today was an interesting day to think about my thoughts. The teaching portion of my day was relaxing and fun, so I felt free from thoughts and existed very much in the moment. The non-teaching part of the day was very stressful though. Students were in crisis and missing and getting caught making bad choices, so I had a lot of thoughts that were really negative. My frustration definitely manifested itself in the wrong places too. I snapped at kids who didn’t deserve to be snapped at and became lethargic and unproductive.
To be honest, I am somewhat ashamed of the level of negativity in my thoughts regarding some of my students today. If, as the prompt suggested, I had watched my thoughts like a movie, I would have to say I was kind of pitiful. I would not like the version of me I was watching. The inability to break from those thoughts and their pervasive nature was scary.
The lesson of today is obvious: negative thoughts about anything, if allowed to remain in your head, will poison your attempts to be productive in subsequent conversations. Maybe these moments are when I should practice meditation. If I can clear my mind entirely, it’s as if I start with a clean slate and the negative lens goes away.
To be honest, I am somewhat ashamed of the level of negativity in my thoughts regarding some of my students today. If, as the prompt suggested, I had watched my thoughts like a movie, I would have to say I was kind of pitiful. I would not like the version of me I was watching. The inability to break from those thoughts and their pervasive nature was scary.
The lesson of today is obvious: negative thoughts about anything, if allowed to remain in your head, will poison your attempts to be productive in subsequent conversations. Maybe these moments are when I should practice meditation. If I can clear my mind entirely, it’s as if I start with a clean slate and the negative lens goes away.
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