Week 9 - Coach Take 2

Well, my coachee did not disappoint. He took this assignment as an opportunity to improve and work on his relationship with his fiancée. He described a conversation that was bordering on a fight as both involved parties were pretty committed to their ideas. He also admitted that he was “talking over her” and he wasn’t really letting his fiancée express her ideas because he was so sure that his ideas were right. But then, like the angel on his shoulder, Olen’s lecture popped into his head and my coachee decided to just shut up and listen to his fiancée.

He described the physical energy in the room in some detail and the physical connection – specifically he described intense and unbreakable eye contact even as she continued to talk. He said that maintaining this eye contact and really attending to what she was saying and expressing had a drastic impact on both parties. He was able to hear her better, and she was able to relax. His own calm was contagious and maybe gave her enough comfort to suspend a bit herself.

One topic my coachee touched on that I think is crucial to this course is the idea of validation. Looking at someone while they are talking and nodding as they speak validates what they are saying. Confidence is what allows you to open up and to say more and get more personal. Validation is crucial and I think it is a matter of justice to an extent. People are often told their feelings are invalid and that is a way of silencing them, so validating someone else is actually a bold political act if you ask me.

Another thing we discussed was the difference between empathy and sympathy. For my coachee, this week’s assignment was really about distinguishing between those two. He found value in his fiancée’s feelings not because of how they related to or were similar to his own. Instead he valued them as feelings that were unique to her and that she had complete ownership of. I talked about how much I hate it when a friend is letting you vent and all he can do is tell you about the time that the same thing happened to him and boy was it frustrating. If I’m sharing my feelings, let those feelings belong to me. Don’t take them over.

Finally, I asked my coachee about “planning ahead.” What about trying to think of those things that are most awkward to talk about? What are the topics that make it really difficult to be a good empathetic listener? If someone is confessing something you deem immoral? What about when a person is misquoting or misrepresenting you or someone you know? By thinking now about those challenging situations, maybe we can prepare for the future and strategize ways to cope down the line. In his situation in particular, what are the fights with his fiancée that he most fears? I think that brainstorming those topics and maybe even running through a model fight in his head will help my coachee be empathetic when the time comes.