I did both options this week - one intentionally and one by accident. First, I made an effort to sit down and have a serious conversation with the bane of my existence. This woman is a workplace bully. She is irresponsible and petty and…well, clearly I tend to pass judgment on her. Not this week though! I sat with her at lunch, which I usually don’t do, and just asked her how she’s been. She talked about the stress of applying for new jobs, about how sad she was for a student who is in crisis, about Trader Joe’s, about her romantic life, and pretty much everything. The topics ranged and at the time seemed to connect. Now, however, it seems like we covered so many random issues that it’s hard to imagine anything substantive coming out the experience.
What went through my head at the time though is the focus of the assignment. When I sat down, I told myself “She is a person too.” I often forget that she goes through her own sadness, stress, and drama just like everyone else and has a right to empathy. I also made a conscious effort to leave myself completely out of the conversation. When a question arose about the conversation, I asked it and tried to emphasize questions that allowed her to express more about what she was feeling regarding each issue.
To be honest, I think the conversation was really helpful for me in a lot of ways. I feel calmer around her now and don’t feel angry when she’s around. I can have a conversation with her as long as I remember to think of her as a person and not to focus on me. Beyond that though, like I said, nothing substantive came out of the conversation itself. She didn’t break down and admit that she’s a bully for these reasons, nor did she express why x, y, and z about working with me frustrate her. I don’t think that we broke a lot of new ground, but what we did create was trust. I feel much more comfortable talking to her now that we’ve had a calm and cordial conversation. I would bet that she feels the same way, so that’s progress!
Option two was really enjoyable also. I talked to my friend about stress that she is coping with right now. She is having IRS problems that are digging up some old, sad memories. Additionally her husband is sick. There’s a lot going on. So I went for a walk with her on Thursday and I just asked her how she’s coping. As she went through the whole long story I noticed that she wasn’t giving herself very much credit for all the hard work she has been putting in regarding all these issues. I asked her to list some of the things she’s done that she should be proud of, and it was tough for her at first. She didn’t want to take credit for anything good, so I prompted her. I said, “If I were you, I’d be really proud that I’d…” and I finished the sentence. She laughed, because it was corny, but eventually she conceded and talked about the good things she’s accomplished. Then, I asked her to think about what she could do now that she’d be proud of down the road. This allowed her to strategize a bit about her ideal resolutions to these problems and to come up with a plan.
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