Week 5 - Meditation (I am an emotional creature!)

When I was little, my mom used to give me a hard time about being too emotional. I cried a lot, but never for attention to sympathy. I just felt things really deeply. Still do. I only began to see this as a positive thing after seeing Eve Ensler, author of The Vagina Monologues perform her poem entitled “I Am An Emotional Creature.” (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eve-ensler/i-am-an-emotional-creatur_b_468801.html). The poem is based on an interview with a teenage girl from the South who sees her emotions, her “female intuition,” as something that sets her apart and makes her better. I would guess that I myself am more emotional than most and as the poem suggests, that means I bring a different sent of decision making skills and perspectives to the table.

Lately at work, however, I have been pretty apathetic. My emotions seem to exist between the end points of frustration and slight excitement. In past years, however, I’ve had students who broke my heart and literally brought me to tears and I’ve had co-workers make me so angry I had to leave the building. The vast majority of my emotional energy though had been spent on the excitement and exhilaration of seeing my lessons work and watching my students grow. For the part two years I have loved my job. For whatever reason (I have my theories) this year is different. I feel little other than frustration during the day, and relief in the afternoon.

So today there were only a few moments that really were emotionally memorable. At lunch I had a chance to sit with a couple co-workers I really enjoy who I don’t get to see too much. I was so happy and relaxed talking to them. This year I have tended toward the quiet end of the spectrum at lunch, but today I was chipper and chatty.

I had another emotional moment during my last class of the day. We are currently reading The Diary of Anne Frank, a story which is very personally meaningful and extremely emotional. The kids in my last class clearly loved what they were reading. They were reading their parts in fun voices and laughing and asking questions. For the first time all year, this group was engaged in the curriculum instead of in one another. I had such a good time listening to them and watching them enjoy this story.

My final emotional moment just happened! My poor roommate is student teaching right now and is also a full time M.A.T. at Tufts. Obviously she is stressed. In fact, I rarely see her. She has been my best friend for over 20 years, and her friendship has sustained me through the worst. Today we had a rare opportunity to chat for just a few minutes. Even though it wasn’t a “happy” conversation, just being able to talk to someone who has been (and is so often) my rock really gave me an emotional boost.

Luckily I didn’t feel emotional distress at all today, so my reflection will have to be based on my day’s joys. I’ll focus on the excitement of seeing my students enjoying Anne Frank. In the moment, I think I was in professional-mode and didn’t really let the emotions of the moment come to the surface. I imagine in dialogue that same thing happens. We are so caught up in downloading – in conforming to a world where emotions belong in your personal life and not your professional one – that we don’t realize our emotional connection to something until it’s too late. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons silence is important. In those silences, we can allow ourselves to step out of the professional setting for a few moments and into our own thoughts, where emotions live.