Week 8 - Coachee Assignment Pt 2 (Attempted presensing)

I have known my best friend for over twenty years and we have been sharing an apartment for almost three. She is like a sister, and just like sisters we have our ups and downs.

She recently bought an adorable cat (Desmond) who is delightful. I, however, have not been thrilled with life in general lately, and have been using Desmond as a scapegoat for my malaise. I have been closing myself off and acting as a recluse and claiming that it was because of the smell of the cat. Realistically though, poor Des had very little to do with it.

So, this week’s coaching assignment gave me a perfect opportunity to have a difficult conversation with my roommate about our relationship and about my state of mind. To be honest, she seemed to do most of presencing (because she is a saint) but I got to at least be a part of a successful dialogue. I initiated the conversation to talk about the smell of the cat, which neither of my other roommates found problematic.

My goal during the conversation was to avoid Field I. I am not really a Field II kind of gal, but when I am uncomfortable I revert to politeness, which makes sense. There is comfort in rules and conventions. So when she asked what she could do to help, instead to taking it all on myself and saying she was fine, I was honest. Without getting into the details of our friendship, we agreed that neither one of us was communicating enough about what we needed at any given moment (specifically when we need quiet, focused work time, when we needed alone time, and when we were looking to chat and have fun). I admitted that instead of saying what I need, it’s easier to just make myself busy and hide. She admitted that when she is stressed about work and needs focused work time, she can be a little passive aggressive.

I did have to practice suspension a little bit in this conversation because for weeks now I have been convincing myself that health issues and the cat were the reasons I shut myself off. When she suggested otherwise, I could have easily been defensive and stuck to my guns, shifting the blame to two specific things, both of which are outside my locus of control. Instead though, I asked her to tell me what she was seeing in my behavior. What was I doing to suggest that something else might be the problem? When she shared these things, I told her that those were good examples and that she may be right. Likewise, I explained to her that her behavior comes across to me a certain way that she might not be able to see. She admitted that she was able to see her behavior coming across that way, but hearing me announce that it was affecting me made her feel badly and moved her to change her actions. We both suggest ways that we could help the other person and ways that we can proactively improve our own situations.

The readings continuously reference silence, and there were certainly some extended silences in our conversation. The longest one spanning (I would estimate) a full minute or more. To be honest, I don’t think I spent those silences well. I spent them trying to think of the next thing to say instead of meditating on those that had already been said.

At the end of the ordeal, despite the tears and the guilt over our recent lack of communication, we both felt better about where we were. I think that the act of suspending was important. It’s easy to get defensive when a person is talking about your state of mind and your happiness. Likewise, I think it’s important that both she and I avoided field I and REALLY said what we were thinking, even knowing that it may be hard for the best friend across the table to hear.