I’ve got to say, and I’m not blowing smoke, I got SO lucky when I was assigned this coach. No only is he a professional therapist, but he is just so thoughtful and is clearly genuinely concerned with helping me improve as a person and really reflect on my experiences. So BIG thanks to my coach.
Anyway, I had grand plans to confront a difficult person and suspend both inwardly and outwardly this week. Unfortunately, as I admitted to my coach, once I was face to face with this woman all the plans went out the window. My coach reminded me that there is no time limit on this process and I can always try again another time.
When he asked me how I think the conversation would have gone, I kept repeating the phrase, “Who do you think you are?” That is what I think my attempts at suspension would have been met with. Not that I am SO young or SO inexperienced that I would deserve that kind of reprimand, but it is demonstrative of the way I am typically treated by this particular person and the rest of the group we are in together. Not only do I feel I am looked down upon in that way, but our group is also notorious for blame shifting. No one is ever accountable or takes any blame. When something goes well, they fight for the honor, and when it goes wrong, it’s always someone else. Don’t be TOO jealous of my work environment…
Then we talked about something that Olen brings up from time to time – different contexts call for different fields of dialogue. My coach explained that when he is talking to his wife, he is working in a different field than when he is talking to his brothers. Different audiences need to be read and understood. We can’t just assume that everyone is ready or fit for field III. That, I think, was my problem. I ambitiously planned to have a field III conversation with a person who is most effectively dealt with in field II. She does not take any criticism or change well and in fact lashes out when her authority is compromised.
Part of the problem that my coach mentioned was that there is no real supervisor or organizational structure to which I can report my discontents. There is no venue for an airing of grievances. In fact, there is not even any motivation for my team leader to do a good job because there is so little supervision. No one checks to see when she’s doing well and no one punishes her when she is abusing her teammates. The more I think about her, the more I believe that a dialogic leader is necessary for most productive dialogues.
Another problem that my coach drew out of me is that there is no interest within the team (or in the system) to change anything. People are so obsessed with finding the path of least resistance, the path that’s been worn down because it’s been tread on so much, that the thought of doing a better job is irrelevant. And even though I would like to see a lot of things change, my modus operandi is appeasement. I’ll do anything to make everyone happy and relaxed.
My coach asked why I think I do this, and all I can think of is that it’s what has been positively reinforced. It feels good to make others feel good, so that’s what I do. Unfortunately, on more than one occasion it has been to the detriment of my own well-being. In my team setting, it is definitely not a productive pattern. My coach encouraged me to focus on the inward part of suspension and keep asking, “Why I am appeasing everyone else right now? What am I trying to accomplish?” and to reframe those questions as a path to self improvement.
Like I said: Best coach ever. Thanks Faheem.
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