Week 6 - Coach

My internet has been down all week, so thank goodness it’s spring break this week.

So in my last post,I gushed about how great my coach is, but my coachee is pretty amazing too. Thanks for being so honest, open, and thoughtful. I’m really enjoying coaching and being coached.

So I started by asking about my coachee’s attempts at suspension over the course of a normal day. He made an excellent point about how difficult it is to constantly be aware, to constantly be existing both within and outside yourself. Just as the readings on meditation suggested, focus and awareness are crucial, but far from easy. So, my coachee said that when he was aware and paying attention he nailed suspension, at least the inward part. He is such a thoughtful guy that I am not at all surprised that he finds it easy to watch himself objectively from the metaphorical director’s chair. When asked why outward was so much harder, he commented honestly that you make yourself vulnerable, and that’s kind of nerve-racking. That’s not to say he didn’t make a great attempt though:

In a staff meeting with a woman who does her job very differently than her superiors might want, my coachee confronted the issue from a suspended position. He asked repeatedly for clarification and elaboration on the points this woman was making in an attempt to really understand a position that is pretty different than his own. He said that he would explain to her that he didn’t understand, but that he knew there was value in what she was saying, and he wanted to understand better. Through this shared inquiry, he did gain a better understanding of her position, and of how her personal experiences lead her to this place.

I asked if he noticed any change in her behavior after this conversation, and the results were encouraging! My coachee said that, while her behavior didn’t entirely change, and she continued to do many things in an “old school” way that is not consistent with current ABA standards, he caught her informally checking in with her. Clearly, he said, she was more aware of her own actions and how they related and differed from what was expected. In short, she was putting in effort to change for the best of the program.

ABA is a funny field to attempt suspension in because it is so firmly based in statistical data and established, consistent patterns of reinforcement. So there’s not a lot of room for interpretation. That’s why I found this woman’s case so interesting. She was caring for these children in the way she thought was best – that doesn’t make it ABA though. Could ABA specialists learn something from her? Could she learn something from them? Could a new model of behavioral adjustment come out of a meeting of these minds?

My coachee is an interesting example of this. He claims he has two sides – the nurturer/attention giver who wants to behave like this woman he mentioned above and the scientist who analyzes data and figures out the most effective methods. By suspending and listening to both of these sides, he is able to be a really well rounded teacher for his clients.

I asked him if he learned anything specific from his conversation with this woman, or if he saw his behavior or perspective change as a result. He said that now he is more aware of what she’s doing and he knows now that what she’s doing as an act of love. He also is very forgiving of her because it makes sense that she is defensive about her tactics and practice – it’s easy to become defensive when you are coming from an emotional place.

My coachee also brought up some great points about the need for participants in a dialogue to understand the stakes. When the issue is high stakes, when finding a solution is a matter of “life or death,” you almost HAVE to suspend. There’s no room for stubbornness with there are big things on the line.

Finally, we reflected on his first assignment in which he created a safe and comfortable space for his staff to discuss and bring up any complaints or concerns about their workplace. In the most recent meeting, no one brought anything up. While it makes him feel like a successful supervisor to have a meeting without complaints, it is almost hard to believe. Had all the bitterness from the previous supervisor been vented at the last meeting? Were they all done being mad? I said that I think the creation of this safe, comfortable space is probably such a huge step forward that he shouldn’t worry about their lack of complaints. As long as he consistently reinforces that the space is there for them, people will be honest and express things when they have things to express. We also talked about how sometimes people recognize that their complaints are superficial when people are actually listening. When there’s no audience, you can say anything and rationalize it. It’s like singing in the shower. YOU think you sound good, but you know that you’re tone deaf as soon as there are other people in the room.

(I left out a lot of the great stuff that my coachee had to say, but I get the feeling that my blogs are too long, so I’m trying to be a little more selective.)