Week 8 - Coachee Assignment Pt 1 (Musings from my back porch)

So after 15 minutes on my back porch in the cold wind, I came to some conclusions about my “self.” Who am I? I am a young, thoughtful woman (who in many ways still sees herself as a girl) who aims to make people happy above all else. I see my own happiness eternally linked to the happiness I can give to others. Simultaneous though, I love and trust and know myself. I can be happy with/by myself as long as I know I am doing what is best for me. Lately, I have spent a lot of time on my own walking, reading, running, or just sitting. I spend most of this time planning things I can do that will improve my life or the lives of those around me (i.e. cool projects for my students, fundraisers for my rugby team, to-do lists for myself, etc.).

I take the role of caretaker very seriously. That is what draws me to teaching and what draws a lot of my friends to me. My empathy gives me access to the highest version of myself, but it can also be a weakness, or so I am told. I have, over time, come to accept the weakness that comes with it. I can cope with it and all it’s drawbacks as long as it grants me access to the self that I love – the self that makes others happy and loves me.

This person wishes to work for social justice, but often is caught up in the world of those around her, losing track of all the people I don’t know yet whom I may be able to help. I do see my purpose as helping others and finding pleasure and fulfillment in doing so. I face a lot of criticism about this, and I have tried to absorb it. People often tell me that my happiness cannot be dependent on how I make others feel because, to an extent, that is beyond my control, and that doing so puts undue pressure on me. If my goal in life was not something difficult and trying though, I’m not sure it would be worth doing. I acknowledge that sometimes I am a slave to it; at times I let that alter my decision making, and my failures impact my happiness. But really, why shouldn’t I be upset if I make someone unhappy? Don’t I deserve an amount of blame if my actions negatively affect someone else? I take accountability for my actions, and my sense of accountability and respect for others is what drives me, and I think it makes me a better person.

I suppose I don’t want to see anything wrong with this way of life, so I often don’t let the criticism sink in. I am aware of it, and I can repeat it back to you, but I haven’t let it let it affect my actions. It hasn’t made me stop doing what I’m doing. I suppose I just don’t see why anyone would not expend energy making others happy. I know there needs to be a balance – I can’t make someone happy at the expense of my own health or enjoyment, but if we don’t put others first, life seems all the more finite. You are one person, and if you only focus on pleasing yourself, you run out of pleasurable things. If you like chocolate and TV and books and running, you can do those things, but what happens when you’ve used them up for the day? You just do the same thing again tomorrow? Maybe the search for new things that make us happy is drive enough to get someone through life, but I think it’s more challenging and rewarding to search for what makes other people happy. If I make my mom happy, I’ve achieved something. If I make myself happy, I have just given into an impulse that I already knew about. There’s very little challenge. You try something. If you like it, you win. If you don’t, start over. It seems so small. Making other people happy is so much bigger, so infinite, and so challenging.

Obviously my reasons for helping are selfish – I like the way I feel when I’ve made someone else happy. But that doesn’t make those people any less happy, right? So don’t we all win?